Pedrina the Norwegian Christmas Tree in the Middle East

Yesterday two fabulous friends of ours knocked on the door at stupid-o-clock proudly dragging a real Norwegian Christmas tree behind them. Mec and I decided that this year the tree would be called Pedrina - last year we had Pedro and being a boy he was very messy, this year we wanted a girl...

Max took his time to understand Pedrina. She is very big and butch and I think she scared our little effeminate boy. He is coming around and so far he has not sat on her...




By the time Mec came home my fingers were raw from tieing baubles and burnt from testing lights but this is the finished result...



Pretty isn't she??

I am an excellent girlfriend. Excellent I say...After working hard ALL day I created Mec's very own personalised advent calender with a different note in for every day.

BROWNIE POINTS!!



This morning Mec and I purchased the best Christmas present ever. My best friend, her fiance and three children will be coming to see us all in April...Sooooooo much to look forward to!!

Happy December to you all,
Eternally Distracted, Mec, Maximillions and Pedrina

What you get for being a smart ass

I admit to ignoring my blog and two-faced-book for over a month but this week the Eid holidays were announced and I have NINE days off...Yep NINE. Nine days to catch up with everyone and grovel for my lack of contact.

So far I am on my fifth day and I have done very little making up. In fact I have spent most of the time updating my status' with messages to make people living in the rainy UK sick.

This morning Karma bit my ass...

I was happily updating two-faced-book to let everyone know that I will spend yet another day in the sun, drinking and partying with friends whilst updating the music on my iphone. Somewhere along the line, in my infinite wisdom, I pressed the wrong button and have blocked the phone...It's dead. I have murdered it. I am officially an iphone killer.

I am in mourning. Hoping against all hope that when Mec wakes up I will cry, beg and plead and then the clever trevor will spend an hour on the PC and fix it.

If not I am going to get drunk - I refuse to use a Nokia again.

I had an OCD orgasm

Anybody who knows me well enough understands that I cry when a cup is placed on a table without a coaster. The vacuum cleaner and duster are by far my best friends and a good night out is best spent in the cleaning products aisle of a supermarket. I am not sure where it originates from as when I was younger my Mother used to tell me that my jeans would walk out of the house on their own if I didn't wash them (there is hope yet for all you Mothers of messy children).

For the past six weeks we have had a constant flow of visitors and I have been sooooo well behaved. Most nights I have lay awake wondering if they will notice if I venture downstairs for my rubber gloves, then again most nights I think I was too drunk to bother. For six entire weeks I controlled the palpitations, the need to clean and boy was it hard...soooo...

Yesterday I had an OCD orgasm. Yes, yes, yes I did!! I cleaned, swept, vacuumed, dusted and washed until my little hearts content. I moved furniture and bleached until my hands were raw. Mec was scared to come home, Max was hiding in his cage and I ran around for hours like a woman possessed. I LOVED IT.

My updates have been few and far between over the passed few weeks so I have created a little video for you to catch up with our antics...What I mean is I am still reveling in ecstasy and can't be bothered to write. Enjoy!

Plastic covered cars with foam thingymajiggies

Mec and I bought a new car last summer. It was fabulously clean, sparkly and gorgeously delicious. A few months later I get frightened every time Mec gets in the car as it holds the remains of crisp packets, dirt from my Grandmother's shoes and a few stray Max feathers - I don't think he drives it when we go to sleep but I suppose it's a possibility!

Maybe this is what we should've done...



This car is typical of many here. Now I understand the benefits of plastic (sometimes!)...But really...Why would you buy a new car and leave the plastic on everything? When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. Not only does the car look stupid wrapped in a huge condom it's made even worse with the foam thingymajiggies stuck on the doors to prevent scratches. Here's an idea - BE CAREFUL! A better way to prevent scratches and scrapes would be to slow down. Stop letting your six children jump around in the back seat whilst you swerve in and out of the traffic and tell them to open the doors carefully when you stop. The two children sitting on your wife's knee in the passenger seat would not be in danger of ruining the plastic covered interior if only you chose to strap them in...Just a thought.

I had believed that the plastic coverings were reserved for shiny new cars but...



Obviously bicycles need to be saved from the trauma of scratches too!

Happy Birthday to a very special girl and an extremely gay dog ...

I cannot believe that you are 11 today. Already four years older than your Mum and I when we became best friends, you sure know how to make us feel old! I have said many times before in previous posts how amazing I think you are and how you brighten my life and everyone elses. Today there is no need to say anything other than Happy Birthday, I Love You, I am sorry that I couldn't be there but I hope my gift said it all. See you in March beautiful :0)

Now to the gay dog. Bollinger Bubbles Boslem is 21 (3) today. His Mummy (my aunt) never gave the poor boy a chance when she named him. She dresses him up in sparkly collars, loves it when he is dramatic and he even has a boyfriend...yes, it is scary. Bolly has a boyfriend called Bruce and my Aunt is the proud mother of the gayest dog in the Middle East.

I have had to take pictures for the remainder of the post because it was just too hard to explain the reality.

She put his picture in the local paper...


She bought him more sparkly collars and a squeaky pig (nuff said)...



She gave him a birthday card that she swears he opened and read himself...




In the words of Ben, 'Sweet Joseph'.

Fancy some Thai cock?

I realise that I have been neglecting my blog. There has been far too much eating and drinking to do and I am currently the size of a small villa. Typing is not easy when your fingers look like sausages and your cheeks are so fat that they squeeze your eyes into a small squint.

Bill and Ben are still staying with us and I only hate them a little. Everyday I leave for work at stupid-o-clock and they stay asleep until sensible-o-clock. When they wake up they sleepily walk to the kitchen and make some breakfast whilst wondering about how many hours they will spend in the sunshine. Once they have mustered up the energy to get ready they wander outside and take ten steps to find the pool that they have had to themselves for the passed ten days. A few beers later they decide it's too hot and come in to wait for Mec and I to finish work so we can join them in drinking the night away. In fact I hate them A LOT!

Last week it got to 10am and realising they would still be snuggled up in bed I sent them a text message to tell them it was raining. Of course this is a 'Brits abroad' worst nightmare and I knew it would get them hurtling out of bed to check for the sun. Despite the fact that I had already told them it never rains here I got a message back saying 'oh no, I hope it doesn't come to this end of town' (no doubt at the same time they were throwing on swimming costumes to get to the pool as quickly as possible) Of course it didn't rain but I kinda wish it had.

At the weekend Mec and I took them to the desert to learn to drive in the sands. It took a while for them to get used to the fact that the steering wheel was on the wrong side and the automatic car only had two pedals but we got there eventually. Ben nearly launched us all through the front window whilst exclaiming 'Oh, the brakes are sharp' and managed to remember the highway code throughout the desert training. I am not sure that looking left and right for traffic in the desert is necessary but who am I to argue...at least the camels were safer.

Ben and Mec together is a little scary. Ben has 'isms' similar to Mec and I am amazed that Bill and I have managed ten days in the same house with them. I was told yesterday that Ben doesn't like hot drinks because they are hot...only Mec agreed and understood the statement.

We went to a party recently and it was catered by a company who provided two staff to help with drinks. At one point one of the women came running into the kitchen and said:

Woman 1: What kind of party is this?
Woman 2: Why?
Woman 1: That man there (pointing) just came and asked me for Thai cock
Woman 2: What??
Woman 1: Thai COCK

Thankfully after some investigation we discovered that he had asked for a diet coke.

The Trials and Tribulations of Living in the Sunshine

I CAN'T SLEEP. No sleep for what feels like three years. I am surrounded by excited visitors who make me drink too much and eat my body weight in junk everyday. Sleeping more than four hours is a luxury saved for better behaved people. As a result I am fat, red-eyed and I blame the sunshine.

After the Golden Girls shenanigans last week I had a three day break before the next visitors. I remember thinking the house was quiet with just Max and I (Mec is still sunning in Greece). I started a relationship with the TV remote, stayed up late facebooking and blogging whilst thinking I really should go to bed early. I didn't and boy do I regret it.

Bill and Ben (not their real names but I know they will hate them sufficiently) arrived at stupid-0-clock on Saturday morning. Two hours of sleep was interrupted by the realisation that I had to rush to the airport to collect people who were going to further deprive me of closed eyes. I knew that I was in for trouble when their tourist eyes searched the airport buildings and Bill said to Ben "Oh look, they all look like sandcastles ..."

Thirty six hours into the trip and we have eaten the equivalent of a horse, drunk a barrel of beer, cider and vodka and I managed to close my eyes for three hours yesterday.

Today I have to go to work.

Today Bill and Ben will spend the day at the pool.

The trials and tribulations of living in the sunshine:
VISITORS! :0))